Notes from my Knapsack 11-6-2025
Jeff Gill
Preparing for senior life situations
___
One of many things my wife and I have learned over the last five or six years is just how many people are worried about elderly relatives, whether parents or grandparents or others they feel some level of responsibility for.
Seniors who are showing signs of fragility when it comes to driving, living alone, or just taking care of business generally, are nothing new to me. I entered parish ministry forty years ago, and such situations were among my first pastoral challenges. People would ask if I'd checked on Mary Alice or George, and it would turn out there were many reasons for concern, and few tools to use in response.
I've been part of at least a dozen "interventions" around the car keys, and some don't end well, despite the best efforts of adult children and close friends, let alone ministers who get called Judas for their troubles. There's no one map or path through this.
You may notice, especially if you're in this age bracket of feeling your years, yet being the active helper for those much older, that around November and December, there's a spike in TV ads about finding "help for Mom" sorts of services. There's a hard practical reason for that. You can kid yourself for months on the phone or in quick visits, but often the Thanksgiving dinner is where the kids see things they'd missed before. Lack of care, loss of memory, confusion on the basics. There are huddles on the porch, and conversations outside about what could be done, what might be offered.
Here's a few thoughts for those entering this anxious cohort. First, a parent or family member on their own still gets to make choices - even bad ones. Interventions are harder than you might realize. But: you can prepare without permission. There's no court hearing needed to allow you to start making preparations. Scout motto and all, you know.
For pity's sake, don't wait for a trip to the emergency department to start. That's when many people gear up, and there are some shocks to come if you don't start researching options sooner. Starting with the hard fact: senior or assisted living is not available on the day or even the week you need it. You will encounter waitlists, and the best facilities have months long ones.
You need to know what the options are in your area; Medicare has a good website to help you get started, but if you say "only three or four star facilities for my X" you need to look at the full range, because when it was a fall or hospitalization that took a person out of their house, it's the hospital that says when they leave, and not always back to the home. Sometimes what's available isn't what looks best on paper, and you will have to adapt.
Planning ahead isn't being pessimistic or mean (even if you might end up being told that, by the person in question if they realize you've done so). It's the difference between choosing and having choices made for you.
Hope is not a plan. Sean Grady, our county emergency management head, reminds me of this truism often. It ain't, either. Being ready and knowing what questions to ask is a gift, one that may not be appreciated in the moment it's needed, but you'll be glad you did.
Jeff Gill is a writer, storyteller, and preacher in central Ohio; he's been asking questions about senior care for what seems like forever, and now he is one. Tell him your solutions at knapsack77@gmail.com, or follow @Knapsack77 on Threads or Bluesky.
Jeff Gill
Preparing for senior life situations
___
One of many things my wife and I have learned over the last five or six years is just how many people are worried about elderly relatives, whether parents or grandparents or others they feel some level of responsibility for.
Seniors who are showing signs of fragility when it comes to driving, living alone, or just taking care of business generally, are nothing new to me. I entered parish ministry forty years ago, and such situations were among my first pastoral challenges. People would ask if I'd checked on Mary Alice or George, and it would turn out there were many reasons for concern, and few tools to use in response.
I've been part of at least a dozen "interventions" around the car keys, and some don't end well, despite the best efforts of adult children and close friends, let alone ministers who get called Judas for their troubles. There's no one map or path through this.
You may notice, especially if you're in this age bracket of feeling your years, yet being the active helper for those much older, that around November and December, there's a spike in TV ads about finding "help for Mom" sorts of services. There's a hard practical reason for that. You can kid yourself for months on the phone or in quick visits, but often the Thanksgiving dinner is where the kids see things they'd missed before. Lack of care, loss of memory, confusion on the basics. There are huddles on the porch, and conversations outside about what could be done, what might be offered.
Here's a few thoughts for those entering this anxious cohort. First, a parent or family member on their own still gets to make choices - even bad ones. Interventions are harder than you might realize. But: you can prepare without permission. There's no court hearing needed to allow you to start making preparations. Scout motto and all, you know.
For pity's sake, don't wait for a trip to the emergency department to start. That's when many people gear up, and there are some shocks to come if you don't start researching options sooner. Starting with the hard fact: senior or assisted living is not available on the day or even the week you need it. You will encounter waitlists, and the best facilities have months long ones.
You need to know what the options are in your area; Medicare has a good website to help you get started, but if you say "only three or four star facilities for my X" you need to look at the full range, because when it was a fall or hospitalization that took a person out of their house, it's the hospital that says when they leave, and not always back to the home. Sometimes what's available isn't what looks best on paper, and you will have to adapt.
Planning ahead isn't being pessimistic or mean (even if you might end up being told that, by the person in question if they realize you've done so). It's the difference between choosing and having choices made for you.
Hope is not a plan. Sean Grady, our county emergency management head, reminds me of this truism often. It ain't, either. Being ready and knowing what questions to ask is a gift, one that may not be appreciated in the moment it's needed, but you'll be glad you did.
Jeff Gill is a writer, storyteller, and preacher in central Ohio; he's been asking questions about senior care for what seems like forever, and now he is one. Tell him your solutions at knapsack77@gmail.com, or follow @Knapsack77 on Threads or Bluesky.
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