Faith Works 10-23-2026
Jeff Gill
Consent and “rules about such things”
___
In talking around a current horrific story, from a few years back, out of a college not terribly far away, we run up against the question of consent.
If you have been in recent years to a parent orientation for college students, you hear about consent. When I went through what in 1978 was still called “freshman orientation” it was not on the agenda, but I know students in the last couple of decades are certainly talked to about consent. Whether they hear the lessons, about appropriate relationships or binge drinking or plagiarism, let alone more recent confusion over the proper role of artificial intelligence (we’ll leave super intelligence for another day), that’s clearly a different story.
College students, or young adults whatever their personal situation, are products of their environment, which is why when it comes to adult beverage consumption, it raised my eyebrows at first to learn higher education starts their substance abuse education literally in the middle of the admissions process. But it makes sense: if a student starts binge drinking in high school, a university can only do so much once they show up. Similar issues arise as to math skills, but I digress.
Some of you have communicated back to me how or where you learned about appropriate relationships and consent, and the only commonality is the diversity of places and circumstances you’ve shared. Some said they learned what a gentleman is and does in DeMolay, others from uncles at hunting camps, one young man credited his baseball coach, and thankfully (to me!) church settings come up in a variety of ways. Men’s faith formation groups with father and son activities, youth group programs both in the local church, or at regional or national conferences, as well as simply talking to their minister: all of these are places where some of you report learning in relatively specific, particular terms, what is appropriate, what is right, what is properly done in your interactions with others.
I appreciate the way that so many of you have agreed that teaching “no sex until marriage” is not enough, not all on its own. It is certainly one place to start. Frankly, it’s not as bad a guideline as modern times has made it out to be. That’s a subject for a book let alone a series of columns longer than this format would support, but at least approaching intimacy with the baseline assumption that you wouldn’t do anything with someone you couldn’t at least imagine you’d marry might slow down a wide range of bad choices.
Secular society may want to consider any sexual expression as a mere physical experience, like doing calisthenics or working out, but I think most people realize it’s much more universal an experience, and one that’s intensely revelatory for everyone, much more than running a marathon or bench pressing a new personal best.
But that’s the gap higher education has to navigate. The social conventions, observed or not, around who can or should have sex with whom, are nowadays more recreational than sacramental, so there’s a (irony accidental, but useful) hands-off approach which officials tend to take as to monitoring what effectively adult persons do, and whatever they choose to do… as long as it is between consenting adults.
Which is why, preacher though I may be, I thought first of “High Society” and Frank Sinatra’s character saying to a hung-over Grace Kelly that he had found her eminently attractive the night before, “but you were somewhat the worse — or the better — for the wine, and there are rules about such things.”
In other words, a person could in certain circumstances say “yes,” but an ethical let alone religious person would know the proper answer is “no.” Consent may be given, but opportunities can be, even sometimes have to be refused. Religious guidelines offer a way to understand how that can be true, which purely emotional or physical reactions will struggle to comprehend.
Jeff Gill is a writer, storyteller, and preacher in central Ohio; he’s got great respect for religious traditions which take on these subjects. Share how yours tries to communicate interpersonal values at knapsack77@gmail.com, or follow @Knapsack on X.
Jeff Gill
Consent and “rules about such things”
___
In talking around a current horrific story, from a few years back, out of a college not terribly far away, we run up against the question of consent.
If you have been in recent years to a parent orientation for college students, you hear about consent. When I went through what in 1978 was still called “freshman orientation” it was not on the agenda, but I know students in the last couple of decades are certainly talked to about consent. Whether they hear the lessons, about appropriate relationships or binge drinking or plagiarism, let alone more recent confusion over the proper role of artificial intelligence (we’ll leave super intelligence for another day), that’s clearly a different story.
College students, or young adults whatever their personal situation, are products of their environment, which is why when it comes to adult beverage consumption, it raised my eyebrows at first to learn higher education starts their substance abuse education literally in the middle of the admissions process. But it makes sense: if a student starts binge drinking in high school, a university can only do so much once they show up. Similar issues arise as to math skills, but I digress.
Some of you have communicated back to me how or where you learned about appropriate relationships and consent, and the only commonality is the diversity of places and circumstances you’ve shared. Some said they learned what a gentleman is and does in DeMolay, others from uncles at hunting camps, one young man credited his baseball coach, and thankfully (to me!) church settings come up in a variety of ways. Men’s faith formation groups with father and son activities, youth group programs both in the local church, or at regional or national conferences, as well as simply talking to their minister: all of these are places where some of you report learning in relatively specific, particular terms, what is appropriate, what is right, what is properly done in your interactions with others.
I appreciate the way that so many of you have agreed that teaching “no sex until marriage” is not enough, not all on its own. It is certainly one place to start. Frankly, it’s not as bad a guideline as modern times has made it out to be. That’s a subject for a book let alone a series of columns longer than this format would support, but at least approaching intimacy with the baseline assumption that you wouldn’t do anything with someone you couldn’t at least imagine you’d marry might slow down a wide range of bad choices.
Secular society may want to consider any sexual expression as a mere physical experience, like doing calisthenics or working out, but I think most people realize it’s much more universal an experience, and one that’s intensely revelatory for everyone, much more than running a marathon or bench pressing a new personal best.
But that’s the gap higher education has to navigate. The social conventions, observed or not, around who can or should have sex with whom, are nowadays more recreational than sacramental, so there’s a (irony accidental, but useful) hands-off approach which officials tend to take as to monitoring what effectively adult persons do, and whatever they choose to do… as long as it is between consenting adults.
Which is why, preacher though I may be, I thought first of “High Society” and Frank Sinatra’s character saying to a hung-over Grace Kelly that he had found her eminently attractive the night before, “but you were somewhat the worse — or the better — for the wine, and there are rules about such things.”
In other words, a person could in certain circumstances say “yes,” but an ethical let alone religious person would know the proper answer is “no.” Consent may be given, but opportunities can be, even sometimes have to be refused. Religious guidelines offer a way to understand how that can be true, which purely emotional or physical reactions will struggle to comprehend.
Jeff Gill is a writer, storyteller, and preacher in central Ohio; he’s got great respect for religious traditions which take on these subjects. Share how yours tries to communicate interpersonal values at knapsack77@gmail.com, or follow @Knapsack on X.
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